Her Heart of Darkness
by Tygee
Summary: "It's what you do Damon, you sabotage things." Damon is not the only one sabotaging things though...


**I do not own TVD or the song. I am annoyed with Elena after Heart of Darkness. She conducted a freakin' experiment by kissing a man she knows loves her more than life itself hoping he would prove that she can never love him back. I have been frustrated in the past with Elena's choices, but this is the first time I have not been able to give her the excuse that her heart was in the right place, because it wasn't. She is just being selfish and as a heads up this is really more of a rant than a story :) Although, I still must note that she is trying to survive in a life that is beyond ridiculous and would be enough to cause many people to go crazy.  
**

"It's what you do Damon. You sabotage things. Every time there is a bump in the road, you lash out."

_Step one you say we need to talk_

She knows they need to talk. He just has to make it difficult.

_He walks you say sit down it's just a talk_  
He doesn't believe me, because it never is.

_He smiles politely back at you_  
He knows that he is going to hurt by the end of this conversation, by the end of this fiasco that had become their relationship. But he sticks it out anyway, smiling politely, hiding the pain.

_You stare politely right on through_  
She acts like you doesn't see it, like she doesn't know. Like she doesn't know that she is being unfair. She looks straight through him, like she doesn't understand somewhere deep down exactly who he is and what he wants. Like a part of her doesn't call out for everything he is, good and bad. Like she doesn't know that she has used him in spite of the fact, no because of the fact, that he loves her so much it kills him and she has become so desensitized by all the crap in her life that she barely remember to care.

_Some sort of window to your right_  
_As he goes left and you stay right_  
Because they are always at odds, always going the opposite direction of the other. They both do it to protect themselves.

_Between the lines of fear and blame_  
She's afraid, so she blames him for everything so that she doesn't have to blame herself or alter her perception of the people around her in order to blame someone else. She doesn't want to admit that he hurts because she has asked him to care, that he does the things he does for her because she insisted that he be the better man and he is the kind of man that has to give her all or nothing- either he goes to whatever lengths no matter how horrible to save her and deals with the guilt or he shuts it off.

_You begin to wonder why you came_  
She always comes back, always ends up standing in front of him, fighting to get closer at the same time that she frantically shoves him away. So she always ends up wondering why they hell she is there even though she can't get herself to walk away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
She doesn't realize that she can't please everyone. Trying will just make her alienate more people, not less. A friendship is like a handful of sand- the harder you hold on to it, the more it slips through your fingers. It just is, she has to stop trying to control it.

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
Before anyone ever got to know him, his brother set him up as the one everyone should love to hate. Set him up as the bad guy, even while his brother forgot to mention all his own horrible sins. No matter what has happened since, they have held this image because they need someone to strike out at. And he made himself an easy target. First by not caring enough, then by caring more than he is cared for. They say they forgive him while still holding his sins against him. He is still the outsider, the one that came last. The easiest target for the bitterness the three girls feel a need to direct anywhere but at themselves. They lay the blame on the strongest among them, coddle the weak, and pretend they are blameless because that is the only way they know how to survive in a world that has gone crazy.

_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_  
She doesn't know anything about saving him because she is so busy trying to save herself. She holds on to her idea of how things should be, at how she should act, as though everything isn't already as wrong as possible. As if by refusing to acknowledge that she was wrong about both brothers, it somehow makes it not true. She is only willing to be selfless, to support him to the exclusion of all else when he is dying. Because if he dies, she is not responsible for figuring out where to go from this moment, for dealing with the consequences of letting him in. And she refuses to think of it that way, labeling it instead as doing the right thing because he will always ruin it anyway. She can't stand to look at it any other way, because then she would have to acknowledge how cold she has become.

_Let him know that you know best_  
_Cause after all you do know best_  
Everyone should view the world the same way she does, live by the same moral standards she does. She fights to find a way to survive, then blames him for his methodology in making it happen. She goes on about his brother being saveable after seeing that a part of him is legitimately deranged, but sells him as a lost cause, someone that will always sabotage himself, even as she insists he can be better than he is. She has all the answers for what everyone else should do and avoids analyzing herself.

_Try to slip past his defense_  
_Without granting innocence_

She uses his love when it suits her- to convince him to care, to get him to do what they need him to, and she rails against it when it isn't convenient. She recognizes that he puts on a mask to defend himself, but then refuse to see the man lying beneath.

_Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along_

She is always ready to tell him exactly what he has done wrong. She is always willing to say that she knew he would do something terrible, that she knew he would fail, not because he has been set up to fail but because he chooses to do no better. Occasionally she is willing to thank him for his trouble, but usually over his brother's shoulder as you hold on to his brother for dear life. But what would you do if he listed your wrongs? If he called you out for using him for your own gain, for being a hypocrite.

_And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you  
_  
_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
_  
_As he begins to raise his voice_  
Because really, who wants to hear another speech about their own failures?

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice_  
As if she has the right to dictate what his choices are. As if she deserves to have any say in his life when she is so thoroughly blinded to the person she has become, to the corruption of her own motivations for the choices she makes.

_Drive until you lose the road_  
She just keeps going on a one way path because she can't stand to deviate, to adjust for the things that are changing around her. She can't acknowledge that neither brother is who they used to be, that in many ways they have changed roles, she can't stand to see the darkness that has crept into her soul, that what she needs has changed, that who she is has changed, and that she needs to overhaul her conceptions and reevaluate what is right.

_Or break with the ones you've followed_  
She will keep going with a single-minded purpose, oblivious to all that is around her, until she destroys herself, until nothing is left, and she has no choice but to rebuild from the ashes or perish. This is what the doppelganger part of her has done.

_He will do one of two things_  
_He will admit to everything_  
He could throw up his hands, tell her what she wants to hear just to get her to leave him alone. He could tell her that she is right, that he always sabotages everything, that this is a useless exercise and a pointless conversation.

_Or he'll say he's just not the same_  
Or he will tell her that she is wrong, that he has changed, that she is blind as she desperately clings to how things used to be in a world that is changing too fast for her to keep up.

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

Because either nothing changes and they are still running around in circles with each other. Or she is forced to face the possibility that it is her that is wrong, her that has become the saboteur. Her who is causing the destruction.

"What if I didn't? What if there is no bump? I'm sorry, Elena, but this time I'm not going to make it so easy for you. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself."


End file.
